I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
