When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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