i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
4 words: hood of his car
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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