watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
