first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
