The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
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I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
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Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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