I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Can you bring me the toilet please
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
