The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
