Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
