My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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