Need sex. Gaining weight.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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