Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
