You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
