In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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