My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
