He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
