i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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