where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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