All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
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It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
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oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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