but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
