I'm really into asian looking animals
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
