I think I am morally bankrupt
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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