I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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