why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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