She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
