I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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