Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
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She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
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I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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