I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
