i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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