this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
