Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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