I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
sarcasm needs its own font
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
