nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
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idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
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If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize