Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
