so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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