Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
