So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
