Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
