he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
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forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
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I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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