Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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