But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
