You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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