remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
