you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
