I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
