I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
