I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
