I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
