You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
