i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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