My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
