hotel room ftw
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
