Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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