happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
