I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
