I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
